A · Butterfly · Soul

I have not written in you in a while but I been feeling good. I have a new hairstyle and a new attitude on life and feeling a whole lot better about things. You can tell on my face. I have been fighting if I am going to take September back. I have to make sure September knows this is it. One thing and September is gone for good. I am serious I have said this before but I am serious now. In my heart now when he does things it does not hurt as bad anymore, it is almost as if I am prepared for it. Love should never be this hard. You will always have up’s and down’s but now it has been crazy. I am at the point you either want me or not. If you can live to my simple terms then leave me. Find you somebody you can be happy with and quit fucking up my damn life. I think I am coming to terms in forgiven him but hell he has to show me more action that he want this and he is ready. No more bullshit or I will leave again. I see I am not afraid or scared to start over.
Anyhow, I am excited to go to Las Vegas… it will be my first time in going. I will be there for a week of trouble. Damn I cannot wait!

Today has been a real rough day for me. My world was shaken when I stepped on the scale today and it has been down slop every since. I am so disappointed that I even allowed myself to get to this weight point. I was doing well until I was lost and depressed over September. Now I am pissed and guess what June 1 everything is about to change. I am dropping off all old and new stress and living a new motto. I am taking my life back for me. NO ONE ELSE. As of June 1 no more complaints. As Of Friday, June 1, 2007, it is a new day and if it is not righteous, I am not listening. If you are not coming with the real, you about to be ignored.

THE END…

Signed,
MAD BLACK WOMAN

Another day another miserable dollar…..more like bored dollar. I thank God for my blessing for a job but, my job is boring to the core. I need more money. I need a career that I can be happy and pleased with that I can prosper with and love. I need my own business. I feel like I will not be fulfilled until I do so. I need to try at least one more time.

I talked to September again. Why do I talk to September every day? I have no idea. I guess in my heart I feel we can at least be friends and for me not to hold grudges. You know September tells me that he wants me back and we were in a deep conversation on the Instant Messenger but all I could think of is that I was crying on the floor asking why and staring out the window hoping he was going to turn around and tell me the things he said yesterday. Tell me he would comfort me and I was his all and that he was not going to leave and we were going to work it out. It did not happen and instead I cried myself to self many nights and still do today. Just not as much as before. I do feel it is going to take a while to forgive. My cousin was like you have to drawn the line somewhere, and I do agree on that. She said if you take him back this time advise him this is the last time and there will be no other time, but she did say that if I took him back that I have forgive him for all the past. She said that we have to start new and I can no longer hold on to the past and must move forward to forgive him.

Right now, it is too soon and I feel I am not at a point to forgive September and move forward like that. My heart hurts and my mind be saying we been through this September is lying. Part of me yearns for September to do right and be apart of my life. I guess I am dreaming and living in the movies. Hoping September will show up and surprise me somewhere unexpected in a public place among my friends. Standing in a tuxedo with flowers and sing how he loves me and ask me to marry him the correct way down on one knee and be sincere. That is a dream though ……. just a dream……………

Day 2, with things on my mind I must say. I am excited today I am leaving going out of town and traveling to a new place that I have never been before but inside I feel tortured. I am taking things one day at a time and enjoying happiness for right now on a moment basis. I do say every now and then I have a smile on my face more than normal but it is hard. I try to laugh it off but I am not sure of things. I talked to September on the phone last night and I see we make good friends but I am not sure if I will ever get to a place to forgive September. 6 years of back and forth I have given September my all only to receive nothing. I know I deserve better and more but you just don’t stop loving a person overnight but I no longer want the pain the comes with loving September. The lies, the internet and cheating I can no longer stand nor tolerate. I feel September you had 6 years to get it right and after 25 days I don’t feel you understand the hurt you have caused me over the years. There is nothing wrong with getting saved and starting your life right you need that and I encourage that but after 6 years it will take more than 25 days to undo the hurt you have caused me. ….. New Subject

You know I am not shame to say I am not satisfied with my job and I need something in my field to satisfy me. I need more creative freedom and money. I am average right now but hell I am destiny for greatness. Well this is all for now…

Although you would never hear this and long has the moment past. I need to get this off my chest and say this and maybe I can release the pain that is within me. I hope you find the happiness you seek Sept. 15.

"On this day I stand here not as a perfect woman but a woman that has imperfections and flaws. A woman that has change the worst part of me to see the beauty in you. I have given you my visions, my dreams, my thoughts and prayers. I have given you me and on this day I am giving you something that you already had within me, my love unconditional. Something that I don't have to vow to you, it is something that you have already seen. Today I stand before you to embrace a life together filled with laughter, love and friendship and on this day, this very day our families can see the inside of me how unconditionally I love you. Although neither of us is perfect, I knew you were made just for me. On this day I say I do to a friendship and eternal bond together something that no one else can understand. On this day I say I do to you and only you and on this day I say forever I will love you............."

I must say this took a lot out of me and the hardest thing I had to do besides watching you walk out the door and drive away....
I loved you enough to let you go.........

Farewell Sept. 15

Well, I find myself drawn back here again, writing down my thoughts and going through the same emotional turmoil from a year ago. Interesting how history repeat its self. How I have found the strength to leave and move on once again. This time taking things a day at a time.